please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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