Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm like, not good at living.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
