I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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