wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
