It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
