I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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