I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize