As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
