so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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