Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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