all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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