its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
jump out the window naked night went bad
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
