There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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