just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
