she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Randomize
