I will die if light touches me.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
