He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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