He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
