i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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