I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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