Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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