By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
