wanna go halves on a baby?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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