if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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