I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
