3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
