either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
