im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
