I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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