Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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