I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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