Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
