she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize