end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
