I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
