I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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