and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I take back everything I said about communal showers
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
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