Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
