I am spending my child support on dildos
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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