I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
