new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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