Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Randomize
