i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Randomize
