two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
