Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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