I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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