Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
