i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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