The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Randomize
