that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
