i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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