There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
