Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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