Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
