Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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